So You Want To Be A Death Eater?
by imSiriuslyLupin4you
Summary: JOIN THE DEATH EATERS results not typical, your experience may vary. Side effects may include fear of snakes, torture, mind control, being defeated by 1 year olds and death. Mudbloods need not apply.


_**(First of all, THIS IS NOT MINE! I found it on the internet and thought that it was funny, so DON'T sue me! You can find this at **__**.**__**. I suggest you check it out.**_

**So You Want to Be a Death Eater: ****Your guide to everything evil!**

Greetings, new follower:

If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as the Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and you have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you will be as terrible as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them.

Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death Eating, which you must memorise and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before swallowing).

The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly.

Yours in infamy,

**Lord Voldemort**

So You Want To Be A Death Eater?

Welcome to this helpful guide to being a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating.

**Aims of the society:**

World peace *

To be evil

To conquer the world

Elimination of all Muggles

Elimination of all Mudbloods

Elimination of Albus Dumbledore & the Order of the Phoenix

Elimination of (miscellaneous)

To serve Lord Voldemort (that's me!)

To create sanctuaries for endangered breeds of snakes

* This statement is a lie.

**List of Equipment required for new Death Eaters:**

(Equipment marked * must be obtained from Messers. Gorgon & Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do mail order as well.)

~Long Black Robes (Casual) *

~Long Black Robes (Smart) *

~Short Black Robes (for summer wear) *

~Long Black cloak (silk is preferable to velvet, as it is much more absorbent) *

~Black mask (informal)

~Black mask (sequined)

~Black boots (Stiletto heels are no longer permitted) *

~Black leather gloves (barbed wire ornamentation optional) *

~Wand

~Extra wand in case of losing first wand

~Plastic imitation wand in case of losing Extra wand

~Cane (For favored members only. Unauthorized possession of a cane will result in a heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch).

~Coffin

~Dueling sword *

~Disguise kit, containing: Nun's outfit, false beard, beekeeping veil, Muggle policeman's costume, etc. *

~Saw

~Assorted chains

~Handcuffs

~Pointy stick

**Recommended Reading:**

_Curses and Counter-Curses__ by Professor Vindictus Viridian _

_Evil: A Beginners Guide __by Professor E. Maledict _

_The Illustrated Torturer's handbook__ by Bellatrix Black _

_What Not to Wear in the Torture Chamber__ by Narcissa Malfoy _

_Sex, Lies, and Unforgivable Curses: The Authorised Biography of Lord Voldemort__ by Peter Pettigrew _

_Caring For Your New Tattoo: An Informative Guide__ St. Mungo's Hospital Skin Department _

Death Eater may also own snake or dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may possess a basilisk.

**Death Eater Rules:**

~No Death Eater shall be a spy for Dumbledore.

~No Death Eater shall play the harmonica.

~All Death Eaters must be proficient in the Dark Arts: murder, Unforgivable Curses, yodeling etc. An annual examination will be made to make sure that all members are up to scratch.

~No Death Eater shall behave with integrity unless it is a genuine accident.

~A Death Eater must be pureblooded.

~No Death Eater must ever mention that the Dark Lord himself is not pureblooded.

~No Death Eater may kill another Death Eater without a very good reason.

~All Death Eaters shall answer Lord Voldemort's summons immediately. (Unless you are having a shower, in which case it is permitted to don a bath robe first.)

~All Death Eaters shall have vaguely sinister surnames.

~All Death Eaters shall overtake on the left.

**Frequently Asked Questions:**

What happens if Voldemort is displeased with me?

As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include:

~Being slowly eaten by a manticore.

~Being dissolved in a vat of basilisk venom.

~Gradual impalement on your own wand.

~Death by Mandrake (according to season).

~The Pancake curse. (This newly developed spell will carve you into wafer-thin slices. Victims killed in this way are traditionally cooked in hot fat and served with maple syrup or lemon juice at Death Eater feasts.)

Being flayed alive and used as a life-sized glove puppet at Death Eater children's parties.

~Avada Kedavra (if we're in a hurry/ feeling rather unimaginative).

What should I do if I decide to leave the organization?

Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible. (See above)

What is the salary like?

You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed.

Does the Dark Mark hurt?

Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp?

Can the Dark Mark be removed by laser treatment?

No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question.

But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer.)

Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters?

You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem.

Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldemort?

Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for each individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldemort is much more important. Occasional massacre outings/ dark revels may take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behavior.

What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy?

This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it.

**The Death Eater Anthem** (to be memorised by each new recruit as soon as possible). Please note that this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Spongebob," an inane Muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch. Honestly.

_Who lurk beneath the undergrowth?_

_When all is dim and dark?_

_Who murder people in their beds_

_Or sometimes in the park?_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_Our blood is pure as pure!_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_We all love Voldemort!_

_We serve the Dark Lord every day,_

_We're always very loyal _

_And if with us you don't agree_

_We'll boil you in hot oil!_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_We're evil as can be!_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_But if we're scared we'll flee!_

_Our curses are incredible. _

_We're known for our Morsmordres_

_And though our leader is insane_

_We always follow orders._

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_We're wickedness collective!_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_Yet rather ineffective!_

**Health and Safety:**

Being a Death Eater is naturally a dangerous job. Lord Voldemort accepts no liability for any pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us.

However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the Dark Lord:

~Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practice.

~Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Dark Lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them.

~If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, of 13, Knockturn Alley, run a very efficient assassination service and are currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.)

~Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once).

~Ostentatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/ making sinister comments/killing people should be practiced only in private.

~If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke.

~Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be.

~Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offense when visiting a pub or bar but it's better than being dead. Obviously.

~Do not take off your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while you are conjuring the Dark Mark/ massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater.

~Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof.

~Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway.

~Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to global warming.

~Set up an anti-Apparating spell round your residence (but make sure you have a Portkey handy so you're not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by Aurors).

~Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may lead to your sharing a hideout with another Death Eating family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, etc.

~Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.)


End file.
